The last fundamental: finding your people.
From the Sunday Self-Care Chronicles | 8/23/26
Hey sweet friend.
Even though my hands-on work focuses on what I can do with the body, I always make sure to ask about other aspects of a client's life, such as how they are doing mentally and emotionally and about their support systems.
And it is interesting to me how many people who walk through my door and sit in my chair tell me that support groups are just "not for them."
Especially because support groups tend to be one of the primary offerings when it comes to community and connection for someone diagnosed with breast cancer.
But I get it. Sitting around in a circle telling your story or listening to others tell theirs while clutching a lukewarm apple juice is not everyone's cup of tea. And people tend to lean into these groups most often when they are in the thick of their hardest days, which means the energy in the room can be heavy.
Now, if you are a support group gal, good on ya.
I have been to some, and the ones that work, the ones led by a trained facilitator who knows how to hold space for everyone and guide conversation when needed, can be really amazing.
And. Even the good ones are not for everyone.
But just because support groups may not be your bag, does not mean you will do well going through this experience in isolation. Especially in survivorship.
One of the hardest things about cancer is that people bring their own perceptions of what a diagnosis means to your experience, with or without your consent.
Even the people who love you most and want to be super supportive may not always know exactly what YOU need. And instead of asking, they sometimes try to guess, or go off what they see in the media. Then when treatment ends, when they think you are "done" with cancer, they go back to their day-to-day expectations of you.
The amount of stories my clients and I share about the well-meaning but completely off-base things people say about cancer is shocking.
Every person living with a breast cancer experience can tell you about that time so-and-so actually said "this" to them. Comments from outside (and honestly sometimes within) the cancer space can run from irritatingly ignorant to downright offensive.
This is why being in community with others who have been through their own breast cancer experience is so necessary.
We all need someone who gets it.
So where do you go, and who do you look to, if revisiting your cancer center once a month for bottled water and granola bars with a handful of people in the thick of treatment feels more harmful than helpful?
If you are wondering what other kinds of support exist beyond the traditional group format, I went deep on this in a blog post last year, including virtual groups, peer support, therapy, fitness communities, interest-based spaces like writing groups, and the simple act of finding your kindred spirit. You can read it here: https://www.amyhartl.com/blog/breastcancersupport
I always say that you can have 100 people with the exact same diagnosis and the exact same treatment protocol, and you still have 100 unique cancer experiences.
This is because we all bring everything else about us to the party.
And just because we happen to share a diagnosis does not mean we have anything else in common.
While sharing a similar experience perhaps gives me more empathy toward another survivor, it does not necessarily mean we are bonded. That only happens when I realize we also share similar values, humor, dreams, or ways of moving through the world.
A kindred spirit is born of personality, not pathogens.
Real community after breast cancer is not one-size-fits-all.
For some people, a space where the shared diagnosis is front and center is exactly what they need. It can be powerful, joyful, even life-changing. (To be fair, I have heard Camp Breastie is a really good time.) Those communities are doing real, important work, and for a lot of women, they are a lifeline.
But if you are someone who needs to be seen as a whole person first, not just a patient, a person-first space might be what you are looking for.
That is the kind of connection built on who you are, not just what happened to you. On dreams and desires, not just treatment regimens.
Because you are not just a patient. You are a whole person who had a medical experience. And the people you want in your corner are the ones who see you that way first.
This is why finding or creating your own community is the sixth Fundamental of Active Healing.
You do not need a hundred people. You might only need one or two.
People you can turn to when even those closest to you just do not understand. People who get it without making cancer your entire identity.
For me, it has always been more about who I am and where I am at in my experience that has helped me find the community I seek and shape the ones I create.
Inside As You Are Now, the monthly calls and the comments inside the platform are designed to be exactly this kind of person-first space.
They are not just a place to ask me questions or hear my perspective.
They are a chance to connect with other women who are on a similar path, women who are actively taking back their agency, reclaiming their lives, and figuring out what comes next on their own terms.
The diagnosis is what brought you to the door, but it is not the whole conversation.
Because you are so much more than what you survived.
What does real community feel like for you right now? Send me an email and tell me. I read every one.
P.S. Want to get these emails straight to your inbox every week? Here are three ways to get started and stay connected:
The direct route: Sign up for The Sunday Self-Care Chronicles here.
The freebie-first route: Grab The Survivorship Starting Point, a free re-entry guide to life after breast cancer. Once you’ve finished this special series I’ll continue to show up for you every Sunday.
The meet-me-live-first route: Join a free Ask Me Anything call so we connect on IRL as well as through email.