The One That Still Sticks With Me, Nine Years Later
From the Sunday Self-Care Chronicles | 5/31/26
Hello friend.
I have to be honest with you about something this week.
Some impacts left behind after a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment never go away. Not completely.
This month I hit my 9 year anniversary of surgery and being declared "cancer-free."
For 9 years I have been living in a body that is irrevocably changed.
In one day I went from two tiny scars on my body to eleven.
I went from having two real (albeit troublesome), imperfect but lovely breasts to silicone implants sewn into my muscle and connective tissue.
I lost six lymph nodes and both fallopian tubes and ovaries that same day, forever altering both my lymphatic and reproductive systems.
And though I will never regret my decisions — the ones that were within my power to choose — it doesn't mean I am not still highly aware of what remains.
The changes to my sexual health because of early menopause and ongoing estrogen suppression.
The random zaps along my left ribs, that feel like a hot knife slicing from the inside out, probably from nerves that have never recovered but occasionally fire off a shot.
The tightness under my implant out to my shoulder on my cancer side where I have the most scar tissue and changes to my lymphatic system.
And I'm not even going to get into fear of recurrence because I don't know anyone who doesn't live with that, even if it's quieter for me as the years go on.
But the one that still sort of sticks with me the most is the risk of lymphedema.
So many people don't realize that when you've had lymph nodes biopsied, surgically removed, or irradiated, it means that your risk of lymphedema is lifelong.
I may not do it as often as I used to in the early days but I still hold my arms up to the mirror trying to compare the girth of my biceps and the size of my wrists.
I thought it was a habit I finally dropped but perhaps it's just that I'm not as conscious of doing it as I used to be.
In the past couple of weeks, my husband keeps asking me "is everything ok with your arms?" and my response is always, “yes why?”
"Because you're doing that thing again."
"What thing?"
"Looking at your arms all the time. Measuring your wrists with your fingers. Wrapping your hands around your upper arms and then doing that lymphatic massage thing."
"Oh yeah… everything's fine. I think."
And everything is fine. I think. As far as I can tell. Because I know what I'm doing.
And that's the point.
Traveling for this long — 2 and ½ months away from home and left to our own devices in so many ways — has got me thinking a lot about what it means to live in survivorship and what I most want out of it.
For me it's freedom.
Freedom to live without the constant "what happens when…?"
Freedom to eat and drink my way across Italy, climb tall towers in ancient walled towns, relax in saunas and steam rooms, and swim in the Mediterranean Sea.
To gain a little weight and know the difference between a few extra pounds evenly distributed throughout my body and the swelling of localized lymphedema in one arm.
And more importantly, when something does feel "off" in the arm on my cancer side, what to do about it, no matter where I am.
I know not everyone wants to travel far and wide, so for you freedom from the impacts of cancer may mean something else.
It might mean getting out and riding your mountain bike or going to the gym and lifting weights without the worry about if it's safe for you.
It might mean playing with your kids in the yard even when it's really hot and sunny out and not overthinking how the heat will affect you.
It might be tending to your garden and knowing what clothes to wear and tools to use that aren't about the weeds, but keeping your body in balance.
Regardless of how you define “freedom to…” the main difference between you and me is that I am able to bring the resources and knowledge of a trained professional to my version as I walk through the world.
This is why I've created my suite of online resources — because I know exactly what it's like to live with the same questions, concerns, and ongoing realities of life with painful scar tissue, lymphedema risk, and the disconnect between the body you once had and what you see in the mirror, as you are now.
And here's the part I most want you to hear: your version of freedom is just as attainable as mine is, with the right context and education.
The only reason I know the difference between a normal few pounds and swelling that actually needs attention, or what to actually do when my arm feels "off" in a hotel room an ocean away from my own bed, is because I learned it.
I trained in it to help others.
And then, when cancer came knocking on my door, I learned how to do it for myself.
And the entire reason I am now doing this work online is so that you can learn it too.
If confusion around risk of lymphedema, or managing actual symptoms, is the thing that keeps you up at 3am, or has you checking your arms in the mirror, I have resources for you right now.
My e-book, Breast Cancer's Best Kept Secret, and my dry brushing workshop are both there to help you start understanding your own system — in plain language, at your own pace.
And this is the part I'm spending these last couple of weeks in Italy building: lymphatic literacy is the final pillar of As You Are Now: A Breast Cancer Self-Care Program for Real Life, opening this summer.
Mind-body, scars, and now this — the whole map I had to piece together for myself and for my clients, in one place.
Because the freedom I keep coming back to isn't about pretending the risk isn't there.
It never fully goes away, and I'd never insult you by telling you it does.
It's that I understand my body well enough to live my life instead of bracing against it — and I want the same for you.
As you are now.
Until next week — I'm always in this with you.
PS: As You Are Now: A Breast Cancer Self-Care Program for Real Life will launch this summer with limited availability and a special offer just for my email subscribers — and lymphatic literacy is now fully part of it. If you'd like to be among the first to get the details, get on the “first to know” list right here.