I Made It to 50 (and I'm off to Italy!)
From the Sunday Self-Care Chronicles | 4/5/26
Hi friend.
I was 19 when I stood in the parking lot behind my dorm, crying and trying to make him understand. He'd seen me cry before but probably never with so much fear and conviction as I told him he couldn't marry me because we'd have children and then I'd get cancer and die and leave them all and that just wasn't fair. He didn't believe me because it hadn't touched his world before and he told me it would all be ok.
We did get married eventually but we didn't have children and we ultimately got divorced. But he was right. It was all ok.
I was 23 when the woman on the phone asked me to verify my birthdate again and then asked me exasperatedly for the third time why I was trying to schedule a mammogram, making me feel like a freak of nature she'd never encountered before. I told her about my family history of breast cancer and that my doctor wanted a baseline. She finally scheduled it but reminded me I had to pay out of pocket because I was too young to meet the insurance requirements and I better be careful of establishing a preexisting condition.
I paid the fine and had them every three years until I was 30 and then every year after until I was finally diagnosed as BRCA1+ at 40. For those 17 years I was very lucky and eventually the laws changed and I stopped having to worry about bad genes, at least from an insurance perspective.
I was just 41 when the doctor said they saw something new on the MRI and she wanted to do a biopsy. She told me it might not be anything but given my predisposition to breast cancer and the young age at which my mom was diagnosed it was best to be safe and rule out a malignancy.
I somehow knew what the answer would be and also somehow thought I would escape yet again. I remember bargaining with God and the universe – just let me make it to 50 before it happens. If I can get to 50 without a cancer diagnosis I will take my breasts off and take out my ovaries and do whatever is needed to try and prevent cancer from officially knocking on my door.
It was 3 days later when they called to tell me that I had breast cancer. Three weeks after my 41st birthday. The appointment I had already made to meet with a breast surgeon to talk about prophylactic surgery options became the consultation to discuss whether I was a candidate for lumpectomy or mastectomy and what other treatments might need to follow.
So there it was. Not only knocking but kicking in the door and setting up residence in my right breast.
And then I bargained again – please let me make it to 50. Just let me see the next decade of my life. Let me reach that age that so many people call out as “old” but that I knew was so so young in the scheme of things.
And now here I am. On Thursday April 2nd, I turned 50.
I'm entering year 9 since my diagnosis on April 24th 2017, my surgery on May 22nd, and the 8 rounds of chemo that started in July and ended on November 1st. I'm in year 9 of anastrozole to suppress my estrogen further escalating my surgical menopause into a nearly post-mortem state of joint pain, vaginal atrophy, and fatigue.
And yet, here I am. And fuck me, life is beautiful. I am so humbled and honored to reach this age.
I'm the happiest I've ever been in my marriage, the most confident I've ever been in my work, the most self-satisfied in who I am as an individual, and more excited for any birthday I can remember since maybe 21.
I made it. Through science and faith and a hell of a lotta luck, I'm here. Ready to sign up for AARP and embrace my crone era. Thankful for the wisdom I've earned and even more for the wisdom I know is yet to come.
I'm grateful for the things I feared that didn't come true and for the things I never could have imagined that have.
As you read this I should be checking into a beautiful resort in the Tuscan hills of Italy with my beloved, starting a 2 and ½ month adventure that is the next step in our dream life – traveling and working and experiencing different places and peoples together.
This is not the life I imagined or longed for at 19, or 23, and by 41 this isn't the life I was sure I would be around to see.
But here I am at 50 making it all come true. And I am lucky to get to share it with you.
Over the next few months, while I'm out of the office and away from my hands-on practice please know that I will still be thinking of you and showing up for you as well.
You will still find me (mostly) weekly in your inbox on Sundays (and you can always read old emails here).
You always have access to my at-home self-care resources for those of you who, like me, want to reclaim as much self-sufficiency and self-confidence in caring for your body as possible.
For those of you in the WNY area who would appreciate hands-on support you can find a page on my website with trusted resources and recommendations for local practitioners in the integrative oncology and holistic healthcare spaces.
I will be focusing on making progress on my dream program of equipping you with the knowledge and skills that have evolved from my own professional and lived experience.
And, for those of you who also have the travel bug, or just want to live vicariously through us, you can follow along in our travels at heplansshepacks.substack.com
If you are a local client, thank you for giving me this gift of time away with your generous encouragement.
If you are a reader, I look forward to bringing you along for the ride.
And if you are someone who knows what it's like to hope to see a certain age, a certain milestone, or just to live fully, without fear, I hear you and see you and want you to know it can indeed happen for you too.
Ciao for now…. and of course I'm always in this with you.
